ended blogation and onliday

the jabroni beatin', lalala LAL, pie eatin', trail blazin', eyebrow raisin', stronger than a bear, faster than a fox, the biggest thing to hit Canada cause the maple leaves suck. (this is a catchphrase from The Rock, i have nothing against Canada/Canadians)

i decided to end my blogation/onliday, cannot keep wallowing in self-pity. anyway, in case you haven't noticed, i(my younger sister) changed the layout. now you can read your favourite posts again and again. enjoy!

Cr4Pp!e

blogation&onliday

The author has decided to take a blogation(vacation) and onliday(holiday) from blogging and going online(msn). Despite my many pleas, persuasions and beggings. Reasons for his absence are personal which he did not divulge to me(the editor).

Thus, this blog will not have any updates for a time. I(the editor) apologise for all inconveniences.

too sexy/posting results

xiaxue posed innocently like this, then mr brown, mr miyagi and a whole lot of people started doing the same.

apparently, i don't know how did the "I'm Too Sexy For My Blog" came about but what i know is that xiaxue had a t-shirt endorsement deal with Localbrand. and i want to buy both these t-shirts. the rest of the t-shirts would just get thrown out the window by my mom and i'm already feeling so rebellious by thinking of buy those two without my mom's consent. ok, xiaxue had a t-shirt endorsement and mr miyagi got jealous so he took his own "I'm Too Sexy For My Blog"

Excerpt :

Take several very good pictures of yersself or ask a friend to take for you.
Make sure you look good in a t-shirt.
Being well-endowed in the chest region helps

we all know xiaxue is but no idea abt mr miyagi. *ahem. and if you buy the shirt soon(don't know when is the dateline) you'll get a 20% off if you do the silly pose. these t-shirts to me, are vulgarities in an artistic form.

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saw my posting results yesterday. was very very shock. got my last choice. Na-Beh. actually is fourth but i only got 4 choices. here's the list

1.Mass Com (i definitely cannot get into it through JAE, was chosen for fun just like i chose ACS(i) for secondary schools)

2.Banking & Finance (thought i'll definitely get in since score was 15, 3 points below the cut off points last year, 18)

3.Business Studies (just fill up space. i was positive i'll get into banking, this course was 17)

4.Accountancy (same as above, this course was 18)

all courses at Ngee Ann(heard that the girls there are hott, so if your going to there, please be hott not slutty nor skanky)

15 points for L1R4, english A2, i thought i'll definitely without a shadow of a doubt get into banking and finance however, when i checked yesterday, i was posted to Accountancy. WHAT THE FUCK? i can only come to one conclusion, FUCKING DRAGONS!

you stole my spot,
now i'm gonna make you hop.
blasting bullets on the ground,
to see you jump around. WORD LIFE!

what can be worse than my spot being taken away? it is taken away by a foreign "talent".
First, they take away our jobs
Second, our academic scholarships and top spots
Third, they take away our prizes(the ferrari in DBS black card draw)
Now, take away my spot

crap, well, i guess shit-happens and at least i got into one of my chosen courses while others did not even get into their last choice. hey, all those out there and zhi, don't give up. stay strong and persist. don't give up. don't give up. don't give up.

tonypierce wrote about how to blog, which i clearly violated many of them, especially no.30 but i don't give a 2 elephants' piss. my style is out there and straight forward,

Excerpt from Eminem's Under The Influence:

So You Can Suck My Dick
If You Don't Like My Shit
Cause I Was High
When I Wrote This
So Suck My Dick

P.S. I love eminem. Modern Poet. which other rapper raps so much meaning? 50cent and all the other guys are just blurting out words like their 3 and i'm dissing them if you don't understand.

Cr4Pp!e

meen/too sexy

first pop on down to meenerthantheaverage.blogspot.com(read his latest post 22/3/2005), then carry on reading. i understand how you feel meen. another classic example of being the nice guy. when it is gone, then it is cherished, missed and wanted.

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well, i wanted to go to the gym and work off fats but was too tired. somehow, i think the alcohol caused it and amazing, when i told my dad that i felt tired at 9.35am, he told me that i could go back to sleep and i got out of bed at 12.45pm. he did not say a word. later i found out that he was in such a good mood was because Jardine C&C went up by 20cents. now at $12.20, if it hits $14, my dad is going to give me $500. so please tell your parents to sell everything they have and buy Jardine C&C. then it will fly to $14.(first switch off your volume) then i can buy this book. then i can become a swan.

later i went to ikea to exchange my frame cause there are some sort of words over the plastic. only to find out that i had to tear off the plastic to remove the "words". Na-Beh. waste my time. it was not even mentioned in the instructions. the instructions teach you how to put the painting in but nothing about the plastic sheet.

then went to orchard because rayner wanted to buy ipod for someone. ipod mini(4gb) costs $290! lucky plaza. but don't buy the skin, that thing costs $45. then total will be $335, not including GST(Go Squeeze Them)and some other crap which cost $383 in the end, so just buy the ipod ok? by the way, i don't have one and can't have one since my mom says that the CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs, is a bad guy.

there was an article, sometime back, saying that when he went up the stage to promote the Mac mini, there were howlings, yes howlings. my mom thinks he prays to satan and blah blah blah. so i'm not allowed to have anything that is related to the evil fruit(Apple).

after the ipod, went to far east where i ate Ya Kun Kaya Toast. to me, going to far east without stopping at Ya Kun, is a sin. i think the kaya toast is much better than the sugar and buttered. the ice lemon tea is great too.

Cr4Pp!e

bleeding little kids.

yesterday(21/3), i wanted to run so as to lose my pot belly. i walked all the way to the stadium only to find that it is being used by some ang-moh school for a track and field event. great, walked all the way there just to find out that it is unavailable for me to lose fats. and the song that was being played, was Bitchy Mamalaid(Lady Marmalade). imagine a bunch of little kids singing along to that song.

Excerpt :

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir
Voulez vous coucher avec moi

i googled and found out that a literal translation is "Would you like to sleep with me tonight?" imagine that. little kids, innocent kids singing to that song. should not the school choose appropriate songs for the event? enough said.

ok, then i decided to walk back to clementi woods then run round to the bus stop. ok, i ran half the distance and walk the other half. running is a bitch, my shoe squeaked a lot and my legs ached like crap. totally out of shape. the speed i was jogging at was slower than an old elderly walking. humiliation, utter humiliation.

then i ate a rather small dinner(1 and a half bowl of rice only). cause i was going down to ikea with my dad later and each time i go there, i must eat the hotdog. having a hotdog a day, is enough for me to be satisfied(i'm simple, plain and dumb jimbo). bought our stuff and at the cashier counter, the lady was very friendly. she smiled at me and we had some small talk. maybe it is because i look cute adorable with my pot belly and chubby face.

at 10pm, met rayner for beer and supper. we both had a bottle each, the big 1(633ml). then went to eat some deer meat and chilli kang kong after that, played winning eleven where rayner totally thrashed me, as usual, he is not embarrass about winning. then later he told me to train and play against the computer.

I WON! 3-2, it was a hard fought war where my players showed true courage and character. though we went down 2-0 in the first half, they showed their resilience and fought hard. just so to let you guys know, the difficulty was set to the easiest. ok, go ahead and laugh. i'm not good at computer games, i know it, even playing Counter-Strike, i normally get killed more then i kill and you will most probably find my name at the bottom.

1 thing that i realised about myself long ago which remains true, when i drink alcohol, i sleep easily and better. i think i'll get some wine or champagne and drink a bit before i sleep.

P.S. Please donate some great-tasting and unexpired alcohol to me.

Cr4Pp!e

what makes it less of a blog?/signature/bulbs

Lucas Scott - One Tree Hill season 1 episode 1

" What makes it less of a game if people don't see it? "

what makes it less of a blog if people don't see it? frankly speaking, i don't care. my mom nor dad were there when i won 1st for shot put in primary 3 or when i was top in level at secondary 4. even if the only reader is myself, i'll continue to blog. to me blogging is for myself, is my venue for stress, anger and laughter. sometimes when much has happen, i just need to grab pen and paper and start writing. if i don't the images keep flashing and they ain't nice. with blogging, i'm able to keep a reasonable level of sanity.

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while eating lunch, my dad called my cellphone to tell me that he was going to buy duct tape which i found rather strange. why did he have to inform me? but nevermind. later he calls again, asking me to buy it. which i thought he should have done in the first place. when i bought the duct tape, he called again to tell me that he found the duct tape and there is no need to buy it and asked me to exchange it for bulbs instead. boy do i love my pops.

went to the bank with my mom to cash a cheque. the cheque was signed by my mom which is correct since the account is her's. then we realised that the signature was different from the original one. the difference was great. my mom wrote a chinese character while the original one was some cursive alphabets. later i asked my mom.

Me : why you change your signature ?

Mom : because i always forget.

Me : why will you always forget ?

Mom : because i always change.

and teenagers are fickle and don't know what they want. gees.

Cr4Pp!e

bias father

few weeks ago, i was an ordinary teenager, waking up at 12pm, 1pm, 2pm and even 3 pm. life was simple and great. my motto was no matter how late i slept, i will sleep 12hours. resulting in no eye bags and dark eye rims. until shit happen. my dad.

he made it a must for me to wake up at 9.30am and if i did not, i will be rudely awaken by a barbarian man shouting at me. and if i hesitated to get up, he will shout louder and start scolding me saying that i spoiled his day and made him very very mad. being the filial son that i was am, i conformed. anyway, got $50 incentive each month for waking up before 9.30am.

i thought that this would happen to my younger sister too during the march holidays. wrong, so wrong.

during that one week of march holidays, every single day that my sister had to wake up before 9.30am, she woke up past 12pm. best of all, my dad gave her 1/10 of what i got. he would go and wake her up saying.

Dad : Grace. Wake up already, now what time already?

Grace would look at my dad smile and snuggle back to sleep.

dad smiles and walks away. first i have an "unbias" mom, now i have an "unbias" dad. i love my family so much.

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yesterday night, when i went down to buy some food, at the staircase, there was shit. real shit. the amount was huge and it looked like it was pooped on the spot. but the amount seems too much for an animal to poop. looks more like a human. oh great! first there is a pervert dwelling in my area, now a sick person who poops around.

Cr4Pp!e

blogger's block

saturday's swimming was tiring as usual. some water entered my nose.(used to it anyway) did the usual stuff. the jabroni appeared, wearing clothes, glasses and bracers. somehow he changed, did not have the smug look on his face. otherwise i would have slap that sum-bitch so bad that he will need to go for an Extreme Makeover. when i was swimming as fast i can using the front claw, this kid, 11 years old, swam faster than me. bleeding humiliation. i'm bigger sized, have longer arms and yet this kid just swims faster than me as though he was on a jet ski.

for dinner(saturday night), i met tinger and we ate prata at the prata shop in chinatown. the blanta had little sugar. and the curry was fish curry which is sour. i remember when i was younger, i had some fish curry that was sour and had stomach ache for a few days. i ate 3 pratas, bowl of dumplings and drank 2 teh-ping and 1 milo ping. i think it was because of the swimming, my appetite soars after any form of exercise. except today(sunday), explain later.

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sleeping's a bitch especially when you have your younger sister sleeping beside you. she moves and moves and always intrude my side of the bed with her knee. she likes to sleep in my room because it is nice. will upload photos when all is done. so instead of being lazy and carrying on sleeping, i left for swimming.

since today we had more people and a few new ones, the teacher decided to break us up into 3 groups for swimming.(basically, he wanted to see the speed of our swimming) i was in group 1 with gab. we had to swim 25m in my weakest stroke, the front claw(freestyle). we did the "race" a total of 3 times. 5th out of 5th for the first race, 2nd for the second race and 2nd again for the second race. worst of all, when the races ended, i felt like vomiting and was gasping for air. i got a feeling it's got something to do with my weight and pot belly.

later went to eat at the coffeeshop with my mom and younger sister then the drink lady auntie approached.

Auntie : Yao her sem mo sway? (what would your like to drink?)

simultaneously my mom and i said out drinks at the same time. mine was root beer and her's kopi-si-something. then my mom stared at me. i thought she was mad at me for not letting her go first.

Me : What? She asked what drink then i just say what i want to drink loh.

Mom still staring at me. When the auntie goes away, my younger sister comes to my defence.

Younger Sister : He ordered root beet what, nothing wrong.

Mom smacks herself on the head when she remembers that root beer is not an alcoholic drink.

the game has ended. no appetite. bored stiff.

Cr4Pp!e

poor workers

followed my dad to the factory after knocking the ginko nuts. the place is bloody warm. pespire as much as running while i was sitting down. yeah, no joke. the place is very dirty too, with many U.F.Os.(the ones with wings) then i have to do all the work that my dad is suppose to do while he "builds business relationships". the place is filthy, the work that the workers do are horrible, worse than working as a waiter. working conditions are really bad. they are people like you and i but what they do daily is tons worse than us. there was this guy that looked like the main actor in Great Teacher Onizuka.(the drama not anime)

these people slog everyday while we waste our lives away by sitting in front of the computer doing things like this.(not me arh, not me!) when i saw all these, i told myself that i should stop wasting my life away and start making something out of a fat, short and useless bum.(me) then i came out of the toilet and saw this guy taking picture of another guy with a CAMERA phone.(looks at my own phone) knn. now we're even.

Cr4Pp!e

Ginko nuts

read some funny blogs. while some bloggers like to mock, others tell good jokes.

now i'm off to slavery, cracking ginko nuts and peeling the skin. on the bright side, i'm being paid $5 an hour.

Steps to cracking and peeling ginko nuts.

1. use a hammer to crack the shell.

2. peel the shell off.

3. peel the skin.

4. viola~ done.

5. seriously, done. no other steps.

Cr4Pp!e

Von Fuck/Singapore Has Beens

thought of a really good spoof, Von Fuck. if you guys see a shirt like that please let me know. or maybe you know a t-shirt making company that can make 1 like that.(i want the cursive lettering too)

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went to town to buy pillows with tinger(tin-ger). was thinking of getting a mattress pad only to find out that it cost $500+ for queen size bed. maybe when i'm earning $10k a month then i will get it. later went to eat at long john cine. where i saw a couple of Singapore Has-Beens(Singapore Idols). Half of the OTA (Olinda and Taufik Alliance) and cutsey pie Daphne. Olinda looked as butchy as she first stepped into the Singapore Idol audition room. Daphne looked strange, her arms looked kind of flaky but still cute adorable. she was to singapore idol what jasmine trias was to american idol. although i think jasmine trias is ga-zillion times more adorable than daphne.

strangely, no one, no one went to ask for an autograph or a picture or even say hi. i guess the novelty wore off and it is clearly safe to label them as has-beens. arh~ another t-shirt idea "I Never Vote For The Singapore Idols." which i really did or did not.

tinger and i had a great time as usual, we enjoy each other's company. have you ever had a friend of the opposite sex that you like love very much but not as a girlfriend/boyfriend? well, thats the way between wei ting and i. to me, it is not important how many good friends/friends/acquaintances i have but how many buddies/best friends that i can keep. i think 1 is enough for me. even if i'm hated by everyone else, just having my one buddy(tinger) is enough for me. good night.

Cr4Pp!e

my beloved sister part 2

anyone and everyone must see what torrie has done. she managed to link herself to elijah "rodent" wood.(elijah jordan wood) clearly it shows how bored we are. i blog frequently while torrie has time link herself to Mr "Rodent" clearly i need a life not sure about her though.

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yesterday, went out with tinger, i had to chase the 143 bus and it eloped with the wind then had to run after 189 and managed to get on. then again had to court 106, luckily managed to "ride" it. i honestly think that Stupid Bus Service(SBS) and The Idiotic Bus Service(TIBS) are conspiring to help me lose weight.(i'm 1.65m and 78kg) ftank you! ftank you!(vietnamese style)

tinger(tin-ger) was early! imagine that, a girl being early. i have a saying "If a girl is not late, she is not a girl." and out of the many many times we went out, she was always late. guess people change when they age. she was waiting for me with her fren. her fren asked what i looked like, how to spot me and sorts. tinger marketed me as a fashion disaster when i reached there, she said my hair, shirt, pants, shoes and wristband all don't go.(i'm so gonna fit into the poly)

went to heeren and saw a bad boy wannabe. for one second, i thought that guy was sly. white girly face with a girly haircut. the second i saw sly wannabe, i was reminded why i disliked Shitnex(annex), full of pseudo sly, skaters, rockers and jap. i seriously think their lives suck so much that they want to be someone else.(someone their not)

we then went to hans for dinner which tinger said was not enough. both of us had set dinners. for me it was adequate, i even gave her some of my foot food. i think she just reached puberty. aH-Ha!

fast forward 2 hours

sent her home and while waiting at the bus stop, there was this guy who kept looking at me and he was SMILING! i think that guy is seriously retarded. maybe he listened too much of the song Let's Get Retarded by Pink Testicles Beans.(black eye peas)

class, we shall have recess for 5 minutes, be sure to come back for the history lesson about "My Beloved Sister Part 2"

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many years back, my friends(see song and khien) found a palmtop and gave it to me since i was Head of Admin for the counter-strike clan.(ex_99) when my elder sister found out i had one, she kept asking how i acquired that gadget. when she found out that my friends found it, she being the "righteous" one requested it to be returned to the owner. luckily for me, the owner did not input her address but my sister guess it was a her since there were marks on the calender for menses time of the month.

since there were a few telephones numbers, my sister called to ask if they knew the owner. strangely none of them knew the owner. being unable to return the palmtop, my "righteous" elder sister argued that it was only reasonable to give her the palmtop since she "needed" it more. obviously i resisted and fought with all my might but to no avail when my elder sister called in reinforcements.(mom) my mom, being the unbias and anti-favouritism(or so she says) said that i should give it to my elder sister since blah blah.(Bullshit if you ask me) my elder sister(to make it less painful to part with the palmtop) said your birthday next year, i will throw you a party and invite your friends and blah blah.

quite a good trade-in huh? well, if everything went as planned however the following year, no party, no presents, no nothing. and months later, my clumsy butter fingers elder sister dropped the palmtop which caused the glass to shatter rendering it obsolete. when i made a fuss about it, reinforcements came in and my elder sister said she will repair it. years later, the palmtop is nowhere to be found and obviously it is not repaired otherwise i will be using it now and not here bitching pimping about it.

P.S. Mom is to me what kryptonite is to superman.

Cr4Pp!e

i love my elder sister.

My annoying Beloved Elder Sister

Dear readers, fortunately unfortunately i will not be able to post shit artistic pictures anymore. the digital camera that was to me what the brush was to Leonardo Da Vinci, cannot be used for artistic purposes anymore. sadly, the world of art is going to suffer greatly. my heart is broken and soul stolen. the purpose of life for me has ended. however there is one way and only way to solve the problem, YOU who read my blog and LOVE the shit artistic pictures, can buy me one. just contact me @ david11_11@hotmail.com anyway, i will fill you in on the details of the Alamak! SO Sway ! (A Series of Unfortunate Events)

The artistic pitures B and H were taken a long time ago, during a time when 2 was also created. however, my elder sister was at home to bar me from my art tool. after she saw the horrifying beautiful pictures, she made a big fuss about her paying the most blah blah.(whole load of bullshit if you ask me) well, i actually paid $100 for it to begin with. so i said you pay me back my $100 dollars then i shall not use your camera again. obviously she refused otherwise why would i be here bitching pimping about it? then if you read my first few posts, you would know that she deleted my D picture and apologised sarcastically.

finally came the last straw when i took picture of the number 6. i "forgot" to delete picture in the camera and she found out. created an extremely big fuss about it which erupted into a massive war with saliva spurting everywhere. i felt like hitler as i was fighting a 3-front war with my elder sister, father and mother but in the battlefield there are no family members.(yeah, like real) i realised that the arguement was going nowhere so i took a step back and looked at the bigger picture.(by the way, i love arguing for the sake of arguing according to my mom)

Firstly, my sister will scream at me if i wear my shoes into my room because it is dirty. yeah, like she sweeps/mops.(most of the time it is YOURS truly) i have to go to my room because i forgot to take something be it condom protection, handphone..... while my idiotic beloved elder sister will forget to take something and bark shout at the gate asking someone inside to help her take it for her. best yet, she would call from the bus stop for someone to bring whatever down to her.

Secondly, considering that she is such a neat and hygenic freak person. she brushes her teeth so close to the mirror that it is covered with her brushing stains. the mirror is covered with white patches which is made up of saliva, toothpaste, germs, bacteria and water. so if the toilet is infested with bacteria and germs whose fault is it? by the way, not only is the mirror covered with her knn lovely stains, everything below also has it.(my toothbrush! my shaving equipment!) best of all is that she doesn't think it is dirty or disgusting that the mirror is covered with it.(i somehow think that she is proud of herself because she can see the bear or whatever kind of like looking into the stars at night)

Thirdly, considering that she loves her things so much that she would not want them in the toilet especially when there is human wastes/art. why is she using her handphone while excreting waste matter? my toilet is the squating kind so she has to squat which leaves her handphone less then 50cm away because she is 154cm. while i'm standing up using the zoom function of the camera to take the artistic picture. so the camera is at least 150cm away as i'm 165cm.(weight not important) then she can say that she is very hurt that i took the camera and took artistic pictures because it is very dirty in the toilet. my arguement

Me : then since it is so dirty why you can talk in the toilet using your handphone while shitting?

She : It is MY handphone so i can do whatever i want with it.

Me : and the camera is mine too cause i paid $100.

She : but i paid the most!

Me : give me back my $100 and i will not use it again.

She : no, you use it before already so your $100 is used up.

then i go into my superfast speed arguement(something like ace ventura) in which she refuses to argue back because she says i'm not listening to her when it is my turn to speak. then later my dad leads me in a prayer to ask god for forgiveness because i took artistic pictures and promise that i will not take artistic pictures with that forsaken camera again.

P.S. Stay tune for another history, this time with my Beloved Elder Sister

P.P.S She does not read my blog because she got no "time" aH-Ha!

Cr4Pp!e

kopitiam

lunch today was rather corny for me. while i was eating my fried rice with egg, i realised that the coffeshop was playing some music. the music playing was staying alive by gees, i wonder who. then was some janet jackson song.(luckily no music malfunction) after that was toy-box tarzan and jane. nothing special about that song except that i still can remember singing this song when i was younger.

Excerpt :

I am Tarzan from jungle you can be my friend
I am Jane and I love to ride an elephant

lets all think that Jane really wants to just ride an elephant. now i can understand why parents are objective of lustful obscene music. imagine your little girl singing that song loudly for everyone to hear. then you feel shameful cause you think dirty, so whose fault is it?

again, i went down to ikea again, to get that skyar lamp that costs $25 instead of the usual $39. there were only 2 left! Lucky~ took one and happily went to get the bulbs. walked over to the bulbs section where i nearly died. 2 bulbs for $15.90. 2 bulbs!!! their so-called energy saving bulbs sound like Secrets Costing Absoluely Merely.(SCAM) thank god that i was not gullible enough. later i went to a hardware shop near my place bought 3 bulbs for $3.60 , pity the poor sucker gullible fellow.

in the box that had the lamp, there was this small piece of useless handmade paper. basically it was for boasting show.

Reader : How did you know the paper was handmade?

the paper had a print on it saying it was handmade. reminds me of the poor people who make 1 t-shirt in 30secs for 8 cents per hour. then the bleeding shirt is sold for $40+. the brand logo is a tick. i shall not name the brand fearing i will get sued for i must name my source that is the Kopitiam(the corporation) but my immediate source is torrie.

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the gahment is trying to raise the birthrate and population in singapore. however many babies are prevented and murdered through condoms and abortion. let me list a few ways to up the birthrate and population.

1. Raise the price of contraceptives.(3 condoms for $15, and so on. surely the government can think of an adequate reason.)

2. Raise the abortion fee.(explain that now babies are more difficult to "kill" following UN's rules on human rights or some other thing, knowing the gahment, surely it is possible to fabricate stories)

3. Distribute porn artistic entertainment to the married males.(knowing that most men are easily influence by their hormones)

4. Give out body slimming vouchers to females.(since their superficial more concern about their outward appearance)

5. Promote single-parenthood as most babies are aborted because of the male's refusal to marriage.(use maia lee as the poster mum. clearly she can use some money condolences since sly's refusal)

Cr4Pp!e

gay guy

i went to buy my blinds and rug with torrie today at ikea. the restaurant was amazingly full even at 3+pm. i hope they all get gastric pain. eating was normal except that torrie refused to participate in a "See Who Can Eat 6 Meatballs Faster Contest."(i think it is normal to have an eating contest)

later she told me stuff about a movie called The Kopitiam (the corporation). nothing special except that there was a company that injected some stuff into cows to make them produce more milk and the way they marketed it was as though the cows were mere machines and that there were no side effects. nothing special right? considering that this is a dog eat dog world. well, there were side effects, one of them was that the cows get stressed then they pass out pus into the milk. yum-yum.

then i had to accompany my dad to the bank to deposit some money. queue bleeding long. then my dad asked me to count the money.

Me ( while counting the money) : Luckily that guy pay us the money, otherwise i cut off his hand.

Dad (very blur) : huh ? what for cut his hand?

Me : Later we go to the next guy, should we splash paint or hang a pig head?

Dad : for what do all these?

the lady in front then turns her head around to see these ang-moh loanshark. although she turns very slightly as though taking a peek.

again on the magical/wonderful/lovelyauspicious bus 143. not many ding-dongs but this time got this freaking gay. not that he was wearing pink or purple but firstly when he sat near on my left, he used his bag as a barrier which was good. but the fucking annoying bag was closer to me than to him. stupid prick. nevermind, nevermind. later when the bus was starting to get pack, he removed his bag and sat beside me. nevermind, nevermind, this happens often. but this prick started to move his right leg closer to my left leg. until i did the tsk sound. and whenever i wanted to see the pervert's face, he would be looking straight at me. allow me to elaborate.

whenever i turn my head to the left, even a little bit, this pervert will immediately look at me. luckily he got off the same bus stop as me, otherwise, i will have to walk pass him then my innocence gets stolen. holy monkey! he stopped at the same bus stop. maybe he was stalking me or worse, he lives near me! i better buy an alarm to put in my pocket in case i get raped.

Cr4Pp!e

Peter the shiter.

it's official, from now on, in my family, whoever that does not go to church, does housework for a week. means i have to drag my bum to church, see those plastic people and act like the birds are chirping and flowers are blooming.

just now i scolded my dad and he acted as if he was crying. then said that he wanted to call the Lian He Wan Bao to tell them the story cause if you give them a story, you will get $500 if it appears in the newspaper. maybe one day when i really need money and my dad would not give it to me, i'll be on the front page.

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another history lesson, this time with PETER.(asshole, if your reading this, then you know why i won't talk to you.)

lets talk about peter. peter is my cousin. peter was my best friend(at least that was how i viewed him) peter was born on the 1st of November of 1987, i was born on the 31st of January 1987 which means we are exactly 9 months and 1 day apart.

on his 16th birthday, i went to mgs funfair with some guys but peter did not go cause he had school or band. on that day i gave him all the toys i won at the funfair, wished him happy birthday and wanted to give him a hug but he refused cause he said it was gay. nevermind he did not give me anything on my 16th birthday nor wished me happy birthday.

then on my 17th birthday(my birhtday comes before his if you had not realised), i had a birthday party but my dear cousin and still my best friend at that time did not come nor did he wished me happy birthday. when i asked him why, he said he did not feel like coming. nevermind nevermind, forgive and forget.

ok, reaching the killer parts, brace yourself.

on his 17th birthday, 1st of November, the day before the official start of the O level examinations, first paper was Social Studies, guess where i was? at peter's house keeping him company while you guys stayed at home to mug. i gave him a t-shirt which i could wear loosely which is the size of his other t-shirts. nevermind that he treated his friends to seoul garden and me to nothing. by the way, they gave him colour pencils.


i nearly forgot about this, when he went to thailand somewhere between his 17 birthday and my 18th birthday, i gave him $50 singapore dollars to help me buy T-shirts which costs like at most $10 singapore dollars for 1 t-shirt and said buy earth colours like green, brown and black. he then asks what size, i said same as you. so if he comes back with 5, i guess it's fine right? make a guess how many he bought for me, stop.--------------------- the amazing number of 1 and guess what, the t-shirt is super tight and small. it is smaller than the smallest t-shirt in wardrode. the size of it is well, small enough for me to wear at primary 6. to top it all, when he gave me the shirt, he said " can lah, tight nice."

then i said " it is so tight, where got nice ? basket, why you buy so tight?"

he " NICE lah. if got my size i will buy it for myself."

wow. he said that if got his size he will buy it for himself, by the way, did i mention that he bought several shirts for himself? and when i went over to his place he was already wearing one of them which was green, i knew it because he told me.

He " Nice a not ? this shirt bought from thailand."

Me " got green what? why never buy for me this shirt ?"

He " It is not green lah. "

Me " Don't talk cock, it is green. "

me and him argue over whether or not it is green then finally i said " ask your elder sister whether or not it is green."

Me " XX biao jie(cousin in chinese), is this shirt green ?"

She " No, it is khaki colour."

i had nothing to say. even his sister had to lie to him. darker shade of green is still green, a lighter shade of green is also green. but no, to them is khaki colour. ok, lets see what does khaki mean "A light olive brown to moderate or light yellowish brown." where is green in that sentence? lets give them the benefit of the doubt that they use another dictionary.

a week or rather several days before my 18th birthday, he asked if i was having a party or wanted any presents. i said no which is what i truely wanted cause i think having a party is asking everyone that you want them to sabotage you. then on my birthday well, guess what, peter the shiter, did not do anything. not even a sms. best of all, a few weeks later was chinese new year, he threw me a small present, smiled and acted as though nothing happen. i will not disclose what the present was but i will say that it costs less then $11 at that time and can be bought from any mama convenience stall and nearly everywhere else.

and as the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy , twice bitten, no more friends.

P.S. Peter the Shiter, if you see this, aH-Ha! and i've deleted you from msn and my hp. you won't be hearing from me anytime. Have a nice day!

P.P.S. From now on, me and you just cousins(friends no more), i don't know you and you don't know me.

Cr4Pp!e

boring/aching sunday.

skipped my lifeguard course today due to aching and feverish body. especially my neck and shoulder. yesterday swimming was rather horrendous especially if your out-of-shape and overweight. standing at a short 1.65m and weighing 78kg, i'm not macho much less a hunk and definitely not a stud. i don't have a six-pac or an 8 incher so i don't qualify to be a stud/hunk/macho. i'm just plain, simple and dumb jim. yes, my middle name is james and short form is jim which often leads to people calling me jimbo.

i'm very afraid of going to the poly cause all the clothes i have are bermudas and polo shirts. with my black thick my rimmed glasses, i think i'm surely going to be an oukast. ok, enough about inferiority complex.

saturday's lifeguard course was rather pleasant when gab and i were singled out for being hen hao(very good) students. the teacher said that if the rest of the students were like us, they need not take the test and can receive the life-saving 1&2 cert. furthermore, when gab and i joined those guys who already completed life-saving 1,2&3 for 50m towing, i got the second best timing 3mins 8secs although the passing mark is 3mins. the 50m towing test is for bronze medallion which is at least 2 months away for me. so i got time to work on my speed and timing.

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went to eat my breakfast just now. while i was ordering mee-reubus for my younger sister who is at home "resting" because she got stomach pain. i saw the shop owner squating down with a can of Baycon. when she stood up to prepare the mee-rebus, a cockroach ran out from under the table. seems like baycon is not working and her shop is rather unclean.

speaking of cockroaches, when i was working at a restaurant in TakaShitmaia, twice a patron told me to clear a cockroach which in the end i could not find. i will not disclose the restaurant name but will give a rather small clue. it is beside breeks.

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a friend of mine i read somewhere on the net that when a group of girls hang out together for awhile, their menstruation time of the month comes at roughly the same time. at the restaurant i used to work at in TakaShitmaia, a chair was found with blood on it and coincidentally, a bitch lady was sitting on it. she did not even had the decency to clean it up.

now, i was wondering if girls can have their time of the month at roughly the same time, i wonder if guys can have their masturbation excitation of one's genital organs at the same time too. if this happens, i can fathom how it would be.

A : brudder. what you doing there ar?

B: you know la, now 12 midnight, everyone in my house sleeping except me.

A : same here. but what are you doing? you tell me everyone in your house sleeping for wat?

B : pcc la, u fucking idiot. don't annoy me anymore.

A : wah! really ar? me, ah miyagi, ah brown, ah eddy and ah steven also doing it now.

B : Na-B*h. you fucking irritating leh. why tell me this kind of nonsense.

P.S. the above conversation is purely fiction.

Cr4Pp!e

don't offend the almighty xiaxue

just a word of caution people. do not offend xiaxue. otherwise, it will be publish to almost all the net-savy and blog reading people.

i'm really scared. imagine this. women in spore all have an online forum about things that happened to them.

"Hey, the guy working at XX handphone shop in XX is a pervert, he was looking at my cleavage."

next thing you know, his picture is posted on the net and arrested for outrage of modesty.

spore guys : spore gals where got cleavage?

lets not go into that area. there might be female readers and they might be your friend. think about what i said about the guy working at XX handphone shop in XX. if women were to have such a forum, us men, will be doomed.

all those naughty things that you did to someone or something. like how you accidentally walk into the girls toliet.(not me) or you pulling someone's pigtails because you want to be a train conductor going choo-choo.(me) and worse of all, you thought it was cute adorable that her head tilted one side whenever you pulled either pigtail.

maybe even something worse then that

"that guy is seriously dumb, in primary school, he was always getting caught during chinese spelling while everyone else was copying."

yes, that was me. the only reason why only i got caught was because the teacher's eyes were always on me, she was looking in my direction or standing behind me. then my book will be blank until she walked away when it was time to pass up the books. amazingly, the book will be filled with words when it was handed up. ok, so i'm not the copy genius.

suddenly i'm so scared of females and sly fans. (sorry sly fans, i did not mean to mention the truth.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i apologise that the past entries weren not entertaining but rather boring.(i found them boring too) although i would love to blog about my run-ins adventures with my elder sister however, she threatened to cancel my t-shirt orders if i did. all i can do is wait for my t-shirts then viola~

P.S. She only knows i blog about the past adventures, she has not found the time to read them.

Cr4Pp!e

i can't believe i did it.

oh my god. i can't believe what i did. i can't believe i wanted to erase you guys' existence in my life. i'm so sorry. NOT. by the way, by the time you read this, i deleted and block you guys in msn, deleted in friendster and my hp. i deleted mirc too.

well, i'm actually glad that i did what i did. i like to be known as a straightforward and frank kind of guy. if i did not, i will be lying to myself. i will not be true to myself.

Reader : but why now? why after so long then you do this? can't you just let the past rest?

i was stupid before in the sense that i did not think. did not think about the things happening around me. did not think about whether it was fair the way i was treated. did not think about whether my company was wanted/enjoyable. i most probably will only see you people once in awhile, not on a daily basis in the same class so i guess now is the right time. different courses, different schools. and yes, i forgive you people but i refuse to mix with your.

hey, if you actually found me irritating and wanted me out in the first place, then i'm doing you a favour but if you did not, then i'm doing myself a favour. you can call me a petty person, ultra sensitive, unforgiving or childish person, go ahead. be my guest.

when i was younger, i was super thick skinned, even if you shouted that you hated me, i would still hang around you. now if i sense the slightest detest, i make myself scarce. i will not go where i'm not wanted.

by the way, don't bother trying to talk me out of it, nobody could talk me out of doing the same to my cousin/once best friend Peter of 18 years. what makes you think you can talk me out of doing the same to people i've known for a mere 5 years?

Cr4Pp!e

berrynice yogurt and ties

nothing special happened today except i went to town again and maia admits to her relationship with sly(the gay). it rhymes. i'm sorry if you disagree or dislike, i'm so sorry that i insulted your idol. i'm so sorry, allow me to give you a thousands "go screw yourself if you like sly." aH-Ha!

their marriage/relationship was not known because don't want to spoil his image lah. sly's image very important lah, very important that he is promoted as a single so that all the nothing-better-to-do-other-than-to-chase-sly girls can dream of being his girlfriend or better yet his wife. yeah, definitely you can, in your dreams.

Sly Female Fans : huh ? cannot marry sly ar ?

Me : Yep and i'm sorry that you got nothing better to do then to chase sly(the gay).

well, before this, i suspected that sly is not a man but now, i know for sure that he is not a man.

If he was a man,

Part 1 - he would not be having long hair like a girl with that xiao bai lian.(white face)

Part 2 - he would not do those kind of act cute facial expression.(maybe next time he will do the finger at the eye thing)

Part 3 - he would go on and marry maia instead of leaving her hanging and broken.

if you agree to marry someone, how can you say it was on impulse? means your not a man in the first place. say yes then back out later. especially with something as important as marriage.

Sly fans : Oi ! $#%$&^*$ ! Maybe it is maia force/pressurize him into marrying her?

Me : Wah- then he don't know how to say no? not man enough yes?

Sly fans : Ai-ya. he made a mistake so what? you think you perfect meh?

Me : i know i'm not perfect but with something as important as marriage, one must consider to the fullest. to leave maia just like that, where are his ethics?(maybe he still bad boy, need to clean up more, cut hair*) moreover, what about his parents? this reflects badly on his parents. in the papers, it says that both sides of the family and friends don't know about their secret plan. so i think that sly did not ask for maia's parents' permission to marry their daughter. i know i'm old fashion but i still think it is important to ask for permission.

Sly fans : Your JUST A FUCKING FUCKER!

Me : i'm sorry you support sly. i'm sorry that he is like this. maybe it has something to do with his bankrupt parents. i heard his mother cheated people of their money.

Sly fans : YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP !

Me : Really really sorry for mentioning the truth. if any is false i'll apologise.

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anyway, today went to town again at Plaza Singapura's Mcdonald's

Order taker : Would you like to try our Berrynice Yogurt?

(stares at the picture for 2 seconds)

Me : No, i don't think it is Berrynice.

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some day before, was at centre point going up the escalator when

(names have been changed to protect the identity, i like to use the name PETER to poke fun at, will explain some time later)

Peter : who is Da Vinci ?

Me : Da Vinci is a pornstar. (loud enough for the shopkeeper to hear)

shopkeeper laughs along and all of us there laugh too. by the way, Leonardo Da Vinci was not only a painter, he was a sculptor, architect, musician, engineer and natural scientist.(wah, long ago so kiasu already ar? want to be so many things. now be scientist very good still want to be so many other things ar?) after knowing about these stuff on Da Vinci, i decided that i myself must be multi-skilled too. thats why i took up the lifeguard course.

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enough fun for the day, now to the serious stuff and i'm not joking.

today got match in new town(NTO v.s. NewTowners), i was not invited.

Reader : WHO THE MONKEY DO U THINK U ARE ? MUST PPLE INVITE AR?

allow me to explain how i know about the above match.(again, names changed to protect the innocent)

Friend A : Eh. askjfkasjflajf (i couldn't hear what he was asking the other guy about)

Me : What you say ar ?

Friend B (heard what was being asked and knows what's going on) : Don't say! Don't let him know!

so i'm not suppose to know and even if it is in a joking manner, that friend B said that, friend A did not wish to tell me. O-k. later i ask the person that friend A was talking to.

Me : what did Friend A say to you?

Friend C : he ask me whether i going for the soccer match tmr.

rest not important, i asked who was it between and what position he was playing to cover what i was thinking. basically, to have a soccer match between new towners and ex new towners requires at least 1 day preparation. i being the don't-go-mirc-often guy did not know so my fault. nevermind. but then when i asked, don't want to tell me. so i know that i'm not wanted.

Friends : eh, kangyu, not that we don't want you to go lah.

Me : nevermind, forget it.

even if your don't want me to go in the first place, nevermind. it's alright. seriously. allow me to take you readers for a history lessons.

once upon a time many many years ago. there was this lan shop named slangg. my "friends" were playing there. they went there together first so nobody got lost as someone among them knew the place. i don't know the place. i ran about finding the place for one and a half hour before finding the place. cellphones were invented at that time. no problem with calling them and asking directions. but then, directions were unclear leading me to run all over chinatown looking for that beloved lanshop. amazingly, i asked for one of them to come and fetch me or at least lead me into the promise land but they were too lazy, counter strike very important la.
haven't played in years, cannot just spend 5 mins, take the lift go down, walk 20 metres and meet me.( i was very near to the promise land) i remembered one of the phone call was like this.

Me : Please leh. come fetch me, i find like siao also cannot find.

Friend : sorry lah. i want to play. you try finding harder.

but then, no, don't want to fetch me. walked around till crazy still cannot find. then i pespire very easily. when i finally reached the place, nobody batted an eyelide. as though finding the place was easy peasy and took me 5 mins. damn shiok to know that you have a group of friends playing and sitting in air-con environment while you run amok in the blazing non air-con sun.

well, i think i have great friends. by the way, if you don't like what i typed and want to block me on msn go ahead cause i will block you. i'm taking it as i never had you guys as friends. from now on, i see you, stranger. think i'm joking? well, i did that to my cousin PETER during Chinese New Year and i sure damn well can do it to you guys..

the saying goes " once bitten, twice shy " my situation is " twice bitten, no more friends "
there was a second chance but well, i guess i don't deserve u guys as friends. i'm sorry i don't match your standard as friends. i'm really sorry.

P.S. The Last Section Is No Bullshit. All Seriousness. I'm earsing the existence of you guys as my friends.

Cr4Pp!e

no more bus pass

remember about the stinking bus auntie who confiscated my ez-link card? she gave me a slip of paper to reclaim my bus pass, telling me to call the no. after the 4th day of she stealing my card.

so i dialed 1800-767-4333

" this is a singtel announcement the number your have called has changed, the new number is 1800-325-5663"

so being the magnanimous, compassion, caring, concern, considerate and loving man, i dialed the NEW number.

" sorry the number you dialed is not valid, please check the number and try again."

again giving the benefit of the doubt, thinking it was my fingers, i dialed again.

" sorry the number you dialed is not valid, please check the number and try again."

O-k. bloody stupid Transitlink, take my card then that stupid auntie say

"Don't worry, the card belongs to you. you will get it back."

get back my bum. say the card belongs to me. means you take away equates to stealing. damn your worse than those bell ringing people. now i don't have that ez-link card, it sucks! allow me to list out the detrimentals.

1. i cannot shock the nosey phucker when buying tobacco and alcohol.

2. play pool, cannot get student price. (already so expensive now even worse)

3. cannot use the card and act like student and pay 55cents (i'm cheap and i know it)

4. last but the most important, lost the card with that adorable picture of me.(where people go "wah so cute adorable and you got less moles here."

well, just to let you guys know, my primary school bus card was also confiscated. i guess old habits die hard.

Cr4Pp!e

ding-dong,ding-dong,ding-dong

first and foremost, i must warn the females out there about exploding hormones in the male species as xiaxue had met one today and don't do what she did if you meet one, do what she wanted to do.

secondly, i just realised that my font colour is pink although seen gay by some, to a perfectly straight guy like me, pink is seen as a feminine colour and i like girls. if your a female and you feel good looking at pink fonts, do visit my blog often and if you would like to meet me, please send 1 photo and write a 500 word essay on why i should meet you to david11_11@hotmail.com (picture must be clear, no group photos and i like girls in skirts*hint*) or if your a 20 to 40 something with plenty of cash and want to be my sugar jie/mummy/god mother or whatever skip the photo and essay and tell me your hp no.

last but not least of the announcements, thank you thank you jane. she said my blog is hilarious. let me copy and paste the meaning : marked by or causing boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter; "hilarious broad comedy"; "a screaming farce"; "uproarious stories" thank you, your far too kind. april 14, see you at Changi Mental Hospital Airport. and yes, i'll bring tissue paper for victoria.(jane said you will cry.)

went to town again(sadly cause there isn't anywhere else to go but was great cause jane said my blog is hilarious) to watch Alamak! So Sway! (A Series of Unfortunate Events) a rather good movie, much better then the Machshities ( the Machinist ) which i think is a straight grade F copy of Fight Club. after the movie, had to rush home cause got bible study.

on the way home, my dad called to say that bible study cancelled. go home so early for what sia. best of all, taking 143 home was well, entertaining. allow me to paint a picture so that you can admire and wish you were there too. taking 143 from orchard to my place has at least 20 stops. so it is a rather long journey already. then for every single stop, the bell is rung at least 3 times. allow me to explain the ringing sequence, 1st time when the bus leaves a bus stop, 2nd time when the bus is mid way to the next stop, 3rd time when the bus reachest the bus stop. at least 3 bleeding times each stop, 3! times 20plus gives you 60 over times. stinking jabronis can't check whether the bell is rung or not.

best of all, a guy in the front row of the upper deck got out of his seat, rings the bell then walk down the stairs. 5seconds later the lady sitting behind gets out of her seat, rings the bell and walk down the stairs. either she is damn stupid or irritating. at first, being the magnanimous, compassion, caring, concern, considerate and loving (4 Cs already), i wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to put the blame on a faulty button that rings by itself so i timed the rings and realised that they were spontaneous. clearly it is those stinking jabronis who rang the bell and irritated the hell out of me. these people are asking for a beating and they need it badly.

i think that SBS (Stupid Bus Service) and TIBS (The Idiotic Bus Service) should have censors to charge patrons that ring the bell when it is already rung.

Ding-dong!

Ding-dong!

Ti-ti

Idiotic Patron : What the F*ck ? Why charge $1 more ? Check again.

Ti-ti

Idiotic Patron : Why charge another f*cking dollar ?

Me : Cause you spew vulgarities.

Idiotic Patron : Wah. Who invent this stupid thing 1 ? The Gahment ar ?

Me : Something worse, ME.

Cr4Pp!e

reinbow.

yesterday(9/3/05), went to play pool with rayner and kelvin and again rayner dominated. kept on thrashing me and kelvin. this guy is not embarrass to keep winning. he just keeps going and going. best of all, he would do a trick shot for the 8 ball for further humiliation.

after that, we met ban kok in clown. went to far east plaza and 1 particular shop that made me feel so "gay" was P.O.A. (Pissener of Airhole) that shop is for girls and gays. not that i have anything against girls or gays but the kind of clothes that are sold for men, their so, well, difficult to digest. the designs are eeewww(taken from summer in the O.C.) so we gave far east a pass cause i ain't buying anything from there that day. went over to wisma atria where this shop, Groove Coverage, selling shirts(long and short) caught my eye the day before.(date not important cause the shop is awesome!) well, went in and bought 2 shirts and for the first time in my life, the salesgirl wasn't irritating, she was helpful and nice. the main thing that made me feel so glad was the attitude that she had. when i was about to leave, i asked her whether the shop was going to close.

Me : Are your closing down ? (cause they were having a sale)

Nice Lady : Well, we might not need to, we're most probably moving up.

then a jabroni out of no where says " eh, is there someone in the changing room ? "

however she ignores that 2cents ass punk and continues talking to me. mantaining eye contact at all times.

Me : cause i think your stuff is great.

Nice Lady : well, we actually have another shop at heeren. (points to the plastic bag)

Me : oh. thanks. bye. ( like i'm ever gonna buy clothes from heeren, aH-Ha!)

firstly, i think that clothes from what's that place called? Arh... Shitnex. are all for posers. the clothes don't even look nice, they look like a few pieces of cloth mend together with staplers. the sales people there ain't nice too. damn those Fugly midgets.(their inner beings are short and ugly) if you don't like what i'm typing then you and that 2 cents ass punk can get the F out. another thing, i think that NEO PRINTS are a waste of money. save that money and buy a digicam and take all the photos you want. i'm surrounded by vanity crisis everywhere i turn. short and sweet, i don't like the Shitnex.

fast forward 3 hours.

we're eating opposite ikea. i don't know what that place is called. but the fish and chips are awesome. amazing large portion. then someone told us about the reinbows when it reins. aH-Ha!

P.S. reinbows and reins are spelled with an E on purpose.(duh~)

Cr4Pp!e

if i said your beautiful, would you believe me ?

if i said your beautiful, would you believe me? if i said i'll always be there for you, would u believe me? if i said there is none other like you and i'm only interested in you, would you believe me? i bet you would but you would not be interested in me. reason being, these are mushy heartfelt words that a nice guy would use. one important lesson that i learnt this year from Ban Kok is that nice guys are considered boring and weak. the old saying "Nan ren bu huai nu ren bu ai."

English Translation

"Women love bad guys." i find it very strange. somehow ironic. normally, when you hear what a women wants in a man, she says all the good qualities(which nice guys have) but in the end she goes for a bad guy. someone who is clearly lacking in all the characteristics that she wanted. a friend of mine told me that sometime back, she was together with this guy that was rather "irritating" in the sense that he would make fun and ridicule her but after they became an item, he stopped his irritants and weeks later they broke up. i ask her why, she said because he became boring. if you still don't undertand, let me spell it out for you, she broke up with him because he became nice and nice equates to boring.

i for one cannot comprehend the above. is the challenge to tame a bad guy so great that women would prefer a bad guy to a nice guy. then when the metamorphosis takes place, this guy who has changed for the better becomes boring and obsolete to women. like a child who finds her doctor barbie doll boring and chucks it aside asking her parents for a new one, it is the same way that women treat men. they play with men, treating men like objects without feelings and it seems that it is alright for them to do this. if a man was to do this, he would be labeled a jerk/bastard anything that is deem fit to describe that promiscuous character.

before you women start labeling men as jerks and sorts please think about those women who do the same thing men. by the way, i was refering to some women not all, i'm not a generalising bastard. if you fit the description of "playing" women, then great job cause i believe what goes around comes around.

P.S. i think i woke up on the wrong side of my bed.
P.P.S i think i woke up on the wrong side of my bed on purpose.

Cr4Pp!e

pool

i'm very surprised that Kelvin(K) asked me to write him a testimonial in friendster. i feel that whenever you ask someone to write a testimonial, your asking for it as though your begging for insults and sarcasm. i asked him why he was so eager for me to write him a testimonial then he said he wanted to know what i thought about him, well, i said it once and i'll say it again, Kelvin, i think that your a great person and i admire and respect you.

went to play pool with Rayner(R) just now. got my butt kicked all over the place, the ratio was like 10:3. winning only 3 games against him and 2 games i won because he accidentally hitted the black ball in. so yeah, i'm not that good at winning but i'm the trickshot masta. doing jumpshots and trickshots. twice, a ball near the whore hole rolled in magically. kinda freaky but well, i think it was the aura i carried around me at the pool table. aH-Ha!

MrBrown lets us know how to recruit the right person for the right job.

Excerpt:

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
- PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.

etc.

Cr4Pp!e

long day

woke up at 9am thanks to my moronic beloved father. then ate longtong and went off to Jowhore Johor Bahru to watch my dad negotiate and see the factory over there. go there to find out that the prick wants to heighten the price which goes to show that this is a dog eat dog world and doing business ain't that easy peasy. stinking prick heightens the price my dad has to do it too then everything in the world becomes more expensive while my allowance becomes lesser. damn. another thing i learnt today is that China's market is very very big. for eg. materials which i thought was waste, China will pay $$ for it. not that i'm saying they like shit. oh well, means i got to bush up my mandarin.

after the tedious journey to JB, my father brought me to a laksa stall at sungei road and boy was that bowl of laksa heavenly. it is FUCKING GOOD! the BEST tasting laksa i have ever tasted! simply delicious and cheap, $2 per bowl. anyone up for it? the bad thing is that the coffeeshop owner is having problems paying the installment for the entire place so maybe that particular shop has to move somewhere further away. allow me to explain the problem. this fat dude, bought the place for $4million in 1995. business was sustainable. till 2004, 5 or 10 metres away, another coffeeshop was developed from a police post. the distance between these 2 coffeeshops is less then the distance between 2 HDB(Highly Dangerous Buildings) buildings. this situation is something like what happened at the Suzhou Industrial Park in China. basically, what i am trying to say is that what China did to Singapore there is what the Government.........Ahem.....

eh, PM Lee if you see this please don't sue me, i'm just stating an example.

Cr4Pp!e

got Victoriated.

i got Victoriated today. basically, victoria mentioned my blog on her blog http://www.monsterswood-loveme.blogspot.com/. what better way to advertise your blog on someone elses blog. i paid her an undisclosable amount. OTH.

went to town just now, with K,BK,R,WS & KW. when i was on the bus reaching town, i messaged K.

Me to K : i reaching already, where do your wanna meet ?

K to Me : wait for us at seven eleven

i was about to get off the bus and travel to clementi's seven eleven. well, i guess it was a misunderstanding. but heck, anyway we went to hans @ far east for dinner where i ate a set meal and large sandwiches. felt really hungry, cause it brought back childhood memories where certain sundays my family would eat at the hans restaurant in world trade centre. later we went to takaSHITmaia, was walking into this convention thing at the basement when a jabroni did this.

Security Guard : Sorry, no food and drinks.

Me : You help me take ? (stretches out my drink to him)

Security Guard stares at me while i walk away to finish my drink and throw it away. well, i would had layeth the smack-a-down on him but he was just doing his job. can't be mad, can't be mad. later i went to some baby department and acted like i was interested in buying a baby chair for my baby "brother" who is 3 years old. i told the saleslady that i was looking for a chair that can strap my brother to it. for eg. i can let him sit in it and he would not be able to get out of it. obviously there is not such chair as babies and toddlers need to be looked after at all times. was just crapping with her if u hadn't realised. aH-Ha! later took the bus home, my life sucks, it's boring.

btw, i saw Steven Lim, The Famous Street Eyebrow Plucker, damn tall and muscular and here are 20 useless things about him. he is even mentioned on MrBrown.com . there is even a Ban Steven Lim From Appearing On Singapore Television site. considering that he is an attention whore, his gotten plenty of attention already. i can use a guy like him on Jackass Singapore. he'll be doing what Chris Pontius is doing on Jackass in america. but well, that is at least 3 years away.

Cr4Pp!e

modem.

on the first of march. my internet connection was changed from starhub cable to singnet adsl broadband. it was changed because got free gift mah.(i'm cheap, i know that) just to let you guys know, adsl requires the use of the phone line. so for every phone line a microfilter had to be added, mine looks something like that except that it is black. my idiotic beloved elder sister had her phone changed and she connected the phone directly to the socket without using the microfilter. $#$%&*$#$*&. she shouted for my help

Jie : David !

whenever the internet or any electrical appliance has stopped functioning, my name will be scream shouted.

Me : What ?

Jie : Why my phone so noisy ?

(i pick up the phone and hear a lot of static then i realised that the microfilter was not used. so i then plug the phone to the line using the microfilter. VIOLA ! no more static. boy am i a genius or what ?)

Me : Why you never use the microfilter ?

Jie : I thought can just connect directly.

returns to the computer to find out that the internet is disconnected because the phone was picked up without the microfilter by my sis and i. ( The Author would like to take this opportunity to apolgise for the disconnected conversations. ) later i asked my sis again to find out what was going through her mind when she did what she did.

Me : Didn't you think about using the microfilter ? Did you think it was for decoration ornamental show ? (trying not to be scarcastic, well clearly i can't)

Jie : I didn't notice it.

aH-Ha! she lied! can you see it? well, i guess the morale of the story is if your gonna lie, stick to that lie as long as you can. i guess in actual fact, she did not notice the microfilter from the start. which was there since 1st of march now it is the 7th of march. gosh. to think about it, sends chills down my spine.

sometimes in life, it is not that one is smart but because one is surrounded by idiots intellectually challenge people. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying my elder sister is intellectually challenge, she is heaven(hell for negative) smarter than me. she scored better than me for PSLE got into the express stream while i went to the normal stream. she went to NJC for her first 3 months while i could only get into MI. she then went to SAJC cause she couldn't take the stress at NJC while i'm forced to go to poly because i'm, well, not as book smart as she is.

P.S. I scored 176 for my PSLE, my elder sis scored 206 or something like that, my younger sis however scored 236. well, can't be blamed that the good genes are with them. 1st was the planned, 2nd was a mistake and 3rd, well, god sent.

Cr4Pp!e

Which is more disgusting ?

i woke up before 9.30am cause my dad ( read previous post ). so i'm here blogging. i would like to know something. which picture is nicer ? the jackass picture on the left or this one ? Yo, don't need to tell me your answer. i know the jackass picture is nicer and the other one looks like a girl made out of mucus. the jackass picture personifies fun and all the good stuff. and that picture, puts my feces to shame in the department of disgusting. ok, enough of these.

the day before(saturday), i went for my life saving class.(my stepping stone to be a lifeguard) then we did various land-based rescues. which were rope throwing, board throwing, wading and reaching. at the end of the lesson, the teacher asked how many rescues did we do today, then i classified the rescues as throwing, wading and reaching and said 3 while everyone said 4 so i said

"huh"

then this guy on my left looked at me in a most disgusted manner as though he saw his mother( i guess his mother is disgusting) and said

" 4 lah ! Wading, Reaching, Throwing Rope and Throwing Board lah ! "

then rolls his eyes and turn away. i smiled because i knew where his anger came from. later the teacher tells us that practicing is important for the test then this monkey immediately interrupts and say

" eh, wo jin tian tiew board liang chi dou bullseye leh."

english translation

" eh, the 2 times i threw the board were bullseyes."

stinking jabroni thinks he is damn good huh? but nvm, i shall explain where his anger is coming from. to be a lifeguard, one must first learn life saving 1,2,3. 1 being the basics and 3 the most tough among the life saving courses. gab entered the course the week before and i one week before gab(you do the math and find out) then on that auspicious saturday, the teacher points to gab and me saying

"Ni men shi life saving 3 de."

english translation

"You boys guys belong to the life saving 3 group."

which was same as that jabroni i mentioned earlier and this dude entered the life saving course months before us and now we're on the same level as him. aH-Ha! gab and i are like elite students. aH-Ha! we haven't even complete life saving 1 and he classifies us as the MOST advance of the group. in your face you sucka! Now Can You Dig That? Sucka!

P.S. I heard girls like lifeguards.
P.P.S. House Of Wax seems like a good movie and i'm gonna watch it anyway.

Cr4Pp!e

O levels results part 2.

after collecting my o level results, i went home and asked my elder sister what she got for english at the o levels. it went something like that.

Me : Jie(elder sister in mandarin) what did you get for english at o levels ?

waits 7 seconds for response (i counted)

Jie : huh ?

Me : what did you get for english at o levels ?

Jie : 2, A2

Me : same as me.

(immediately she replied)

Jie : the standard dropped already.

i can feel the love she has. let me explain why that was her answer. she started reading books at kindergarden, read most of the nancy drew and sweet valley books. which amounts to more than 200. adding that she read other books too, she mentions some names which i think are made because i've never of them before. so it is safe to say from the time she started reading till the date of the o level english examinations, she read a grand total of 500+ books and got an A2 for english.

i on the other hand started reading at sec 1 and can remember exactly all the books i've read. no, it is not because i've a good memory it is because i've read 6 books total. let me tell you what are the books that i've read.
1.Hairy Peter and the Philosopher's Shit
2.Hairy Peter and the Chamber of Nonsense
3.Hairy Peter and the Pissaner of AzkaBAM
4.Hairy Peter and the Wok of Ice
5.Hairy Peter and the Scam of the Phyxion Phoenix
6.Macdonald Grump - The Science of the Scam ( Donald Trump - The Art of the Deal )

i read the 6th book after the o levels when i was very very bored and heard that it is such a good book that Sam Solovey read twice. actually he read all of donald's book twice. back to the topic now, basically, my sister was jealous unhappy that i got an A2 for eng just like her. i read a total of 5 books before o levels and she 500+ which is at least 100 times more. so i don't blame her for acting childish.

after the o level results saga, it is the choosing of courses saga for me. i started spitting out courses that i am interested in.

Me : i think i wanna go to mass com.

Jie : don't, there are a lot of backstabbing and bitching there.

Me : how about banking and fiance ?

Jie : it is a very stressful job as a banker and i don't think your suitable for it.

with my dad it is like this.

Me : Oi ! Gi Na Pi ! which course should i go to ?

Dad : ai ya, go marine engineering lah. gahment pay for your education and gives you allowance and got bonus leh. so good.
(Good For Him, if i sign on, they pay for my education, allowance of $1000 a month and additional bonus of $1200 for each semester completed. )

Me : ( Points at Dad ) I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER LIKE YOU!

Dad laughs and walk away. if i ask my mom, this happens.

Me : Mom, what course should i go to ?

Mom : Pray and ask God.

Me : . . . . . . . . . .

if your family is giving you constructive ideas and plans for your future, please be appreciative and receptive.

Cr4Pp!e

O levels results.

i got A2 for english and combine science, B3 for e maths and d&t, c5 for combine humans and a c6 for A maths. keep in mind that A maths was only taken in my final year. so a c6 is not too bad. anyway, got 21 for L1R5 so can't go to cjc which dashes my hopes and dreams of getting laid hitched. i'm now forced to go to poly. and yes, i want to go jc. but well, shit happens. one thing i realised on results collection day, is that everyone is bleeding self-centred.

"My results sucks~ ( tears pee down ) i cannot go to sajc/acjc/whatever. "

bleeding self-centred jabronis, cannot go that jc still can go jc right? crying over your own results. where was the crying on prom night? everyone left happily not even caring if their never gonna meet again. another example of being self-centred. then collection of O labels, my results suck, boo hoo hoo, cannot go there, boo hoo hoo. WAKE UP ! your results do NOT define you as a person, your not a failure. if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. be glad that you suffer such a setback at a young age. think about this.

Harry goes to Nan Hua Pri Sch, then goes on to Raffles Institution which leads to Raffles Junior College. then a degree at NUS with first class honours. works at a public listed company with a starting pay of $3500 (gross). works there for 5 years only to be replaced by someone who has a better degree than him. Harry then jumps off a building killing himself. reason being, this monkey cannot take it. he has never suffered 1 before. had everything gone his way.

anyway, my eyelid stopped jumping, so i'm not gonna be tigger.

Cr4Pp!e

shit pictures

here are the pictures i was telling you people.



the letter B



the letter H

soon, i'll have my own sesame street, i'll call it shitsame shrit. kinda cool huh ? then i'll have teletubies, macdonald guys ( ronald..etc), power puff girls, pokemon, digimon, barney and all those irritating little dolls that kids and silly girls love. ESP. hello kitty. then to top it off, all these bleeding imbecile and vacuous objects start killing each other Happy Tree Friends style. ah-Ha! totally rocks huh ? especially all of them killing Hello Kitty but i dun mind if Chucky comes out of nowhere and starts hacking everyone. yeah that would be awesome!

update on my eyelid, it is still jumping like crazy. i think it is like spider sense. just now at the factory, whenever they is a whee-hi-cle moving near me, it would jump more rapidly. maybe soon i'll be swinging around. WHeeeeeEEE !

when i went to the toilet after eating to piss, there was this guy middle aged, washing his shoe with a hose. my guess is that his aiming sucks. ah-Ha! so old already still miss. then later in the cab, the driver was telling my dad " bukit panjang de kong qi hen hao. " eng. translation " bukit panjang's air quality is terrific. " terrific my bum. singapore so small where got difference? let me tell you where the air is good, go north pole or antartica but if you want terrific air, it comes out of my bumhole. btw, i'm joking in case your that guilible. i don't want peeps smelling my bum.

Cr4Pp!e

Left Lid Jumping.

woke up today at 9.30am cause my dad says that everyone in my family(except my mother) must wake up by 9.30am even if you have nothing to do. the rule is that you must be awake. weird and strange but what to do he'll cut $10 from my allowance for 1 day that i wake up past that time. then my allowance only $200 a month. stinking gahment and dad now. so i woke up then later at 11am went to sleep beside my mom.( get those dirty thoughts out of your mind ) woke up and my left eye lid kept jumping, even while i'm typing this entry, it is still jumping. ronnie says it is good luck, hopefully. although i got this feeling that it is something bad and ronnie is just lying to keep me oblivious of the disastrous events that are about to happen. maybe something like this.

soon, i'm going with my dad to help him with his work. actually, not help but do his work. not bad eh ? i have a dad that makes use of me. at least i got some use that he wants to make of. how bout you ? your parents want to make use of you a not ? huh huh ? damn i'm making it sound like i love being made used of. fuck. i really don't want to go. i'll miss survivor. the only english television program that i watch on the tv. cause the rest like the O.C. and One Tree Hill, i watch it on my com as singabloodypore is so slow in bringing it over. thank you god of internet! btw, the wb is coming up with some new show called the Starlet and i think this girl is hott. notice i don't use the word cute ? because cute is used to describe my shit.

Reader : WTF ?! your shit is CUTE ?! don't FUCKING LIE !

seriously, it is, let me explain why. when i pass out shit waste materials normally it is just 1 big piece of junk which is still cute if your sick. however sometimes it forms shapes. for eg. my shit formed the alphaberts H and B. i HAVE pictures. i swear to god/on my whole families lives that i did not edit them or arrange them. i just pass them out and they formed that shape. the other time i passed out a D, my stinking beloved elder sister deleted the picture because she don't like it. then the artistic side of me got furious and i told her to return the $100 i paid for the cam. she said no and i said then you apologise for deleting my cute artistic picture.

elder sister : OK ! I'M SORRY ! IT IS MY FAULT ! I'M SORRY K ?! I'M SORRY ! ( all these done with her hands lifted up and in an extremely sarcastic manner, )

Me : ( smiles, which irritates her more. )

Cr4Pp!e

Stinking Bus Auntie & Gahment

yesterday night, went to watch hitch. took 143, happily sitting on the bus minding my own business when this stinking bus auntie come so i passed her my bus ticket. the 55cents 1 hoping she would just see and go but she asked for my ez-link then i thought she just want to see like the bus drivers. then $#&*%##$&%!!! she confiscated it. say i cannot pay children fare. when take bus, they want you to be older so that you pay more, they earn more. then when you want to buy drinks or tobacco, always want you to be younger. #$%*%$#$!#$.

hitch was a pleasant movie. not too bad. boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy wants to lay her. great learning experience and motivation for me cause my plans to get laid hitched are all destroyed. will talk about that sometime later.

anyway, on my bus ride back home, found out it was $1.40 taking 7 from orchard to clementi. bleeding monkey. nvm. expected 1 since i is living in singabloodypore. the ultimate shocker was that i need to take another bus 282 which is a feeder bus. it cost me 80cents ! from 60cents to 80cents, let me calculate the increase for you. (takes a 20mins break) a whooping 33.33% increase. imagine if your favourite cha kway teow was to increse 33.33%, from $2 it will be $2.66 that 66cents that can be used to buy your soya bean drink now goes to your cha kway teow. now if your parents were millionaires and you have an infinity pool in your back yard, you probably think that coins should be given to the dogs but i is from an average kiasu family that cares for every cent.(BS) the gahment raise the bus fare to kill the average families in spore. think i better repair my bicycle, wherever i go i cycle. good exercise and the babes might think that i'm some hawlimpic champion. not bad for trying to get hitched. shall try later.

CraPp!e

Thank You My Beloved Younger Sister Grace.

yes yes, hi and welcome to the Crapings Of The Crapster. Notice the picture of Jackass the movie on the left ? well, that is my dream to have a show and better yet a movie like those guys. all the nonsense and jacka-stuff they do are totally awesome. bam, one of the jackass guys has his own show call Viva La Bam . this blog is gonna be an account of recording the dysfunctional side of my family and what i see, hear and touch. about what i think and feel view.

Might as well have some f.a.q. here

Why did you start to blog again ?
Well, i felt great reading other peeps blogs especially this one. the entertainment that it gave me was great and if i was able to do the same, it would be awesome.

Will this blog be like the shitty one you had ?
Certainly would not like it to be that way, this new blog, i want it to be funny and entertaining although knowing me, the humour might be rather sick. stay tune. ah-ha!

Who helped you this time ? Was it your sister again ?
Yep, It was my younger sister again. she helped with everything. when she was done, i told her
"Ok. Now get up, mommy say you cannot use the com until you do finish your assessment. "
Her
"I helped you with your blog then you like that. Never even say thank you. "
she walks away. i chased her and tried to kiss her to express my thanks. although she resisted because she did not want to soil my lips. ok, you guessed it the last part is made up.

This blog still looks as shitty as the last one, don't you have any creativity ?
I do but i'm new to blogging like i just realised how to do this and this . yep, hopefully in the near future ( maybe tmr ) i can do more stuff but at this present moment, i think that what i can do is adequate.

Cr4Pp!e